im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
