my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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