I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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