You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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