My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
