So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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