I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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