you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
