dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
