the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
