Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
