Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
