apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Houston, we have a squirter
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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