If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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