rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
