I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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