So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
