Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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