I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
