i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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