i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
