i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
