the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
