was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
