I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
