my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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