What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
