My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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