I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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