Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
