Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
