Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
