i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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