i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
