If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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