Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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