Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
