Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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