fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
