yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
