it was like eating out sand paper
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
