My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
