I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
