You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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