I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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