I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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