what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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