Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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