a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
