Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
