i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
