What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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