I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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