I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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