and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
