my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
how do you play pong handcuffed?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
