I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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